I had a tear filled and exhausting weekend. My body aches. I slept on the floor all of Saturday night but only for about 2 hours on Sunday night. I repeated conversations over and over again. I fought with Jp.
I dreaded Monday afternoon. I didn't want to do it but felt my hands were tied and I had to. Shortly after I made the decision Jazz seemed to getting worse and so I felt a bit better about my decision, but then I felt horrible when I booked the appointment.
This morning she seemed better, she had slept through the night (mainly) and seemed perkier than she had been the last few days. She chewed her bone.
I became tormented. I had a wonderful and insightful conversation with my loving brother, who even though he's told me all the same things before and listened to me say the same things, still had the compassion to listen again and to guide without telling me what to do.
I canceled the appointment.
I feel better. My brother had mentioned the word "doubt" and I recalled a phrase I had heard long ago "doubt means don't". So I'm not. For now.
I'll take it hour by hour, day by day - whichever one works.
Maybe I'm putting myself through unnecessary anguish. Maybe you're reading this and shaking your head thinking I'm making a big mistake. But, I need to feel that I did all I could, that I didn't give up and that I didn't quit. I don't know why - I can easily give up and quit on myself - but this feels worse.
I am so grateful for all the wonderful comments you left for me in my last post. I am truly blessed and loved. Thank you. I hope you understand my new decision. I hope I'm not being selfish. I know it will have to come sooner than later but it's just not the time yet.